Ripple in my Pond

Well, it probably had to happen one day, and today it did. A note I did not want. A note that is completly meaningless and says absolutely nothing. A voice from my past that I thought love was all about. So what she reads my lyrics site. So what. She never once said, what you write is not how I want it to be. She took every lyric, every emotion and ignored them as if they did not exist. I wasted words of love on her (last lyric to her Dec.2005) that will never be repeated. Both in print and voice.  She had the key to my heart only to invest hers in some other relationship, while she kept taking my words of love, never, ever saying once that it was over. Instead, she had the gaul to say there was a chance in 2005 and she never gave that chance to me once. I don’t give a damn. I don’t care if she is still with her boyfriend, has moved in, is getting married, whatever, I don’t want to know. I get so anger, hurt… my god, you all saw what a wrote just the other day. I STILL BREAK DOWN! I am still hurt by all this. This not is an olive leaf, it is a provocation. I owe her nothing. I owe her no response. I am not to blame, she was the cause of my pain. I don’t want it and I don’t want to ever see, hear, read her drival or be reminded of her. She killed part of me, can’t she just let it be dead?

I am not going to respond to this ripple in my pond. She cast the stone, but eventually, the ripples will subside once they reach the shore.  (And she does not know this id, or this blog, but can only read my lyrics page linked in the header of my blog explaination.)

FROM HER:

You probably do not want to hear from me. I apologize for writing you. But I want to let you know that I am reading what you post on your site very often, and I follow every little thing you put out there. There are too many reasons why it is difficult to get in touch, and you could think that my writing is ridiculous, odd or annoying.

I have not put too much thought into this brief email, I just wanted to let you know that I think about you a lot and the only way for me to try to get knowledge on how you are feeling is to look at the site from time to time.

I hope you are doing fine – I hope you are happy and get a lot of goodness out of life which you truly deserve

All the best, hugs and kisses

Stina

(May 2006)

Autumn Path

There are moments, where my life flashes back to the time when my heart was an open wound. When it does that, I feel hurt, anger, frustration, loss. After all this time, does the mind ever forget? I pray for that. I pray that the experience be blotted from my memory. A taste of heaven and a view to hell. I have seen it all now. There is no affair of the heart that I do not understand.

I know it is morning, I know that this is my down time, my reflective time, but it is a waste of emotion, of effort, and an act of misguidance. As I played guitar this morning, I fell into a rhythmic mantra. The riff is mellow, easy, emotive. I fell into the chords with each strum, falling further and further away from the thoughts that provoked me to write today.

The path I seek is paved in with the leaves of autumn, the crisp air of winter and the smell of spring all at once. Are you out there to walk by my side, to feel the burning inside, to draw a breath of life between us, to take a step for me and I for you?

I am searching, still searching for you.

(May 2006)

…and I broke out in tears

I knew I was not a 100% as I changed clothes to go to the gym. When I go, I have to give 110%, push it to my limit, or I am not satisfied. I need the burn that will remind me tomorrow of how I worked my body. My soul does not need that reminder. My soul reminds me.

There is a singer with a powerful angry voice who is on the radio over here from time to time. The last time I heard him was on a similar day at the gym last December, the weekend before I started writing this blog.  As I heard him belt out lines of ‘its over’,  I was washed over with emotion and broke into tears on the incline bench press machine.  I leaned over and covered my eyes with my hands. I held them there. Trying to hold back the feelings that were brusting out for no good reason.  There was no trigger, there was no event, there was no warning, just someone else’s song from a day and time I no longer want to remember.

Maybe it is knowing that a year ago today, I would have been dead if I had gone through with the plan I devised the entire nightmare of the 8th. Maybe it was the final tidal wave, flushing out the reminents of a life that had ended.

I know that I would have ended it, if only I was not taken to the Dr. by a loved one. Be honest and open with those that you love so that they can love you back. If you don’t you may never get the second chance that I did.

(May 2006)

On my way home

As I rebuild my geocities website, I cannot help but re-read my Year in Purgatory lyrics. I recognize the emotion in them and it hurts too look, but I recognize less and less the person that wrote them that was me. That was me then.

Perspective is something that only comes with time. My heart was really too close to see what was not there. My heart saw and believed in a love that was supposedly perfect.  I had never used the word ‘Perfect’ in my life until 2004. A perfect kiss, a perfect day, a perfect feeling, all the perfections faded away as reality slowly but surely took a grip. It took an entire year for me to see what love wasn’t.

The truth can be painful and it was because I let it be. But the truth is also liberating, a sigh of relief if one lets it be so. I want to be free. I only want truth in my life and when I see it, I embrace it for all the goodness that it gives.

When I walked Lucy this morning, I said to myself how lucky I am. What a great work/life balance I have and I treasured that moment, held on to those words and breathed in the life of the woods around me. I am on my way home.

(May 2006)

The Fog

There are mornings when I wake where I am still immersed in a fog of sorrow. Too many unanswered questions, too many thoughts that pull me back to a past that cannot be changed, or even understood. The fog gathers in my mind, clouding me from seeing today. It makes me feel lost, alone and on the brink of madness. The fog scares me.

I know it will pass, I know it will pass.

As I paddle across its murkiness, and begin the tasks of the day, the fog dissipates slowly but surely and my focus becomes more clear.

Don’t look back at the fog, I say to myself, don’t look back…

But every morning, on those low barometer days, the fog can be found, and in it lay my fears.

(Jan. 2006)

Glow On

Time is the test of our lives. How we face today, lets us live for tomorrow. Too often do we dwell on the past, what has happened, how it happend why it happened. It happened. It was. It is only useful if it lets us live happier today, if it pulls us back and down into a painful well of sorrow then it does so because we let it. A painful past is like record stuck in its’ scratched groove (I am showing my age), it repeats the same mantra over and over driving us to  madness.

Every moment when I begin to slip back, I have to pull myself up and scream, enough is enough. Focus on what I have today, what is good, what is love, what brings me up, what fills my soul with the essence of who I really am. When I can see all those things, I can face the day with no regrets from the past and shine my brightness on others so they can glow in the warmth I have to share.

(Jan. 2006)

Train Wreck

Know those nights when you don’t get enough sleep and all the dark thoughts in you stay as you try to get up and deal with the day? They lay in shadows and whisply brush against your grey matter, haunting and taunting you with deceptive images of the past.

I feel like a train wreck. A twisted mass of metal laying bare on the tracks. Use my scrap from some beautiful sculpture that others can gaze at in wonder or try to decify the message contained in the metal.

Eventually, the tracks will clear. Magically, the train will reappear and somehow proceed on its ghostly way to destinations unknown.

I hate feeling like a train wreck.

(Jan. 2006)

Falling

I stuggled with my internal thoughts once again this morning. Questioning my own decisions. As the morning wears on, I become able to push aside the thoughts that will only do me harm in the end.

We all have internal demons. I just fight not to listen to them. As time passes, their persistence wans. Life will be filled with other events, other work, other pursuits, and unwanted thoughts get pushed aside during the course of the day (or that is my hope).

There is no way to change the past, but today is what is important. To show others how we live and that we appreciate being with them.

We all fall. We all make mistakes. But we have to pick ourselves up off the ground and move on. I don’t want to forget the fall, but I don’t make it apart of my daily life anymore.  I want my writing to show commitment to the future, acknowledgment of what is good in life and what I am prepared to give tomorrow.

That is all I want, and don’t want any more than that in return.

(March 2006)

Down to the Sea

Sorry for posting something in a raw and unfinished form. I am not satisfied with this thus far, but I need to get back in the creative spirit so here is something in a rough form. I like the chorus, but the verses are not conveying exactly what I want… to be continued…

Down to the Sea
Gotta stop all the conversing in my head
Stop thinking ’bout the past and forget it instead
It only causes pain, so leave it or go insane
Too much to live for and too much already said

Chorus:
Oh river, take my soul down to the sea
Its the only place that I can be free
In the swells of your love, sent by the angles from above
Your the peace that I’ve been looking for, let me drown in your love

The past still haunts me inside my head
I know that its gone and the past is as good as dead
But it chases me on its own, will it ever leave me alone?
So much to live for, and so much to see ahead

Chorus:
Oh river, take my soul down to the sea
Its the only place that I can be free
In the swells of your love, sent by the angles above
your the peace that I’ve been looking for, let me drown in your love

Gotta make my peace inside of me, gotta be free
There’s nothing behind me that I want to see
I’ve been there before, let me walk away through a door
And shut it closed behind me and throw away the key

© 2006 duke music

(March 2006)

Venting

I hate my own stupidity. I invested my heart and soul in something that was a complete LIE. As a result, I continue to hurt myself for being a fool. I don’t know where the end of it is. There are days where I am occupied, focused and driven in my days activities. Then there are mornings, LIKE NOW, where I just want to scream as loud as I can, then cry. It is all inside and it pulls me down to the bottom of the Hudson like cement galoshes.

I know your all say, get over it Duke. And yes, your all right. But the mind is a terrible tormentor. I just hate myself at times like this, I really do. I work so hard to improve myself physically and mentally, through exercise, diet, nutritional supplements, loving my family, my dog and emersing myself in music, but my own thoughts still haunt me and hate me for what I have done to myself and others. I hate the hurt I am in, I hate the hurt I have caused and I just want to forgive myself and move on. Begin to write positive thoughts instead of all this drivel. Maybe it is those of use with a conscience, that sting the most and the longest from our own mistakes. Mistakes of the heart and soul are just different from any other kind of mistake. Others, such as in business, can be forgotton and learned from the next minute or day. But falling to a LIE, that was supposed to have been love, Lord what an idiot I have been.

(April 20th, 2006)